I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
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work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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