I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
