you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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