It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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