Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
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