Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just forgot I was standing up.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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