Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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