WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
