I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
