I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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