In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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