please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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