Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
50% drunk capacity currently
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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