Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
