tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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