So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
