Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
