then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize