please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
