Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
