my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
