insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
