so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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