I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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