I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
