Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
