remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize