You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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