I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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