So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
