then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
