i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
