You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
