He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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