I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
