I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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