for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
