Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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