u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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