Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
