Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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