So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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