You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
