Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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