How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
