Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Text me some of your sweat
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
