dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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