I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
