tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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