I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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