I want to walk on stilts...naked
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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