It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
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VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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