You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
