I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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