When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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